I’m Dope

Getting my swagger back

Little Owen

I was a chubby kid. I was also funny, nice, smart, athletic, and artistic. I remember being 10 years old and feeling conflicted about confidence. I have memories of feeling like "the man" — drawing a crowd while I drew an awesome picture of LeBron James during indoor recess, beating my friends in basketball for 4 hours straight on a summer afternoon, or feeling brave enough to make everyone in the room laugh. I felt good about myself. I knew I was talented.

I also remember getting made fun of for being fat — by strangers at the pool, kids at church, or the older kids in the neighborhood.

Guess what shaped my identity? Not the positive memories. I still view myself as the fat kid. I can count on 1 hand how many times I've taken my shirt off in public the last 20 years (I'm in good shape now too!) In high school, anxiety crept in and I lost friends. I went from being loose, free, and funny to guarded and worried. Lately, it's been blowing my mind how your past views of yourself will ruin your confidence in the present.

When I was 17, a client burned me on a freelance project. They didn't pay me and actually yelled at me for asking to get paid. It made me afraid to charge what I was worth. It's crazy how things like that stick with you.

Even knowing I was talented, those negative voices stuck with me through everything. There have been times in my life when I let my ego get the best of me, and somehow I use those weak moments to bury myself even further. I'm never going to be the best dad, husband, business owner, or friend if I keep doing that. You can say what you want about believing in "energy" in the universe — but whether or not you believe in that, if you have negative energy, you're going to rub that off on people around you and not get far in life.

The Breakdown

Last year I had some sort of a mental breakdown. Personal stuff happened that I won't get into, but it shattered my confidence even further. Beyond that, the stress of life was so suffocating — I was learning how to run a business and be a father. I was so worried about my wife being burned out, or my daughter not having the best possible dad that I completely erased myself. I dropped social time, hobbies, even watching sports (I hadn't missed a KU basketball game since my early childhood). I was still working, but it wasn't going great — and I wasn't spending any time being creative for myself, which has always brought me joy. I gave up everything that made me me.

I didn't even feel like "me" anymore. I wasn't creating anything that felt meaningful. I was just surviving, trying to keep everyone happy and failing at all of it.

Remembering Who I Am

I always used to say "I like to build cool stuff." In high school I just created — logos, websites, posters, photography, videos, art, music, whatever. I was obsessed. I had to make something every day because it brought me joy. I wasn't afraid to share it either.

When I started my career, I always had some side project going. But I was more guarded now, and when people shot down my ideas, it just reinforced all those old wounds about not being good enough.

Starting a custom software business felt like getting back to my roots, but I started letting the difficult situations shape me instead of the wins. I started doubting everything - my skills, my judgment, my worth.

I've been so worried about trying to be a good dad, husband, and business owner that I forgot that sometimes doing something for yourself might actually get you farther in life than just checking all the boxes for other people. I'll never aim to be selfish. But it can't be healthy to bury yourself in other people's needs and your failures. That's not the example I want to set for my daughter.

What Now?

I'm choosing to put the negative feelings that have shaped my existence for my entire life away. They're not real anymore, and maybe never were. I've missed deals, lost money, lost time, spent too much time stressing, but I'm actually living. I've made it too far to give up, so the only thing to do now is fail forward.

I'm starting this blog because I want to create again. I don't care if anyone reads it. I don't care if I post less often than I want to. I'm just creating when it feels right to create. Getting back to that kid who had to make something every day because it brought him joy.

So here I am. I'm that kid drawing LeBron again, ready to draw a crowd. I'm dope! Shooters shoot, and I'm ready to start shooting again.