Pure Intentions

I’ve been thinking a lot about why we do the things we do. Not just what we accomplish, but the motivation behind it. Because I’m learning that you can achieve incredible things from the wrong place, and it will hollow you out every time.

When I was in high school, I joined a summer basketball challenge with a goal of shooting 10,000 shots. I wanted to be better than my friends, and I became obsessed. I ended up shooting 2,000 a day all summer. I became automatic - at my peak, 75 three-pointers in a row, 300 free throws in a row. But I was robotic. My actual game suffered. I lost friends because I was too busy getting my shots up. What I built was technically sound and completely empty.

The same pattern followed me into my career. I started agreeable and coachable, a real team player. But over time, bitterness seeped in. I’d channel spite into late nights trying to prove people wrong. I became less of a glue guy and more of an “I’m gonna get my 30 points whether we win or lose” guy. I did some of the best work of my career from that place. But I wasn’t a good person. I wasn’t always kind to my bosses (sorry, especially to Jerad). I’m embarrassed that I have that attitude tied to my name forever, but writing this lets me know it’s just part of my story and the shame won’t hold me back from growth.

Here’s what I’ve learned: your intention doesn’t just fuel the thing. It becomes the thing.

You can start with spite or comparison or proving something. It’ll light a fire. But it immediately becomes the whole reason. It contaminates everything you build.

I saw this pattern play out again recently. I had started lifting weights before my relationship ended. Then she left me for a guy who liked lifting. My first night home alone, I crushed my workout out of anger, blasting hip hop at full volume. But then every time I lifted after that, I was angry at something that should have been healthy. I’d try to start again, feel angry about it, and stop. I started choosing not to do it rather than doing it from the wrong place.

That choice - stopping instead of forcing it - unlocked something huge for me.

Eventually it clicked. I’ve been lifting for a few weeks now, and I feel at peace with it. No pressure. I’m doing it because I want to be healthy. I’m not trying to prove something. I’m just trying to “be”. If something small like that can come back pure, something bigger will come too - something I can do for the right reason.

The same thing happened with work. After everything fell apart, I’d sit for hours with my hands on the keyboard, just staring. Frozen. But lately, when I work, I’m efficient and excited. So much has been stripped from me that I don’t have any impure ambition left. I just want to do my best and be a good example to my daughter.

I don’t feel the pressure to crush it anymore. And somehow, not feeling that pressure makes me know that I’m actually going to crush it as more time passes. Because life is more about chance and timing than banging your head against the wall with max effort. Of course working your hardest is always good, but you can’t assume it will solve all your problems.

Learning to choose the right path doesn’t happen overnight. Ever tried EMDR therapy? It’s pretty dope. Days after my first session last summer, when I faced the trigger I’d gone to therapy about, life went into slow motion. I zoomed into my brain and it looked like Google Maps - I could see the routes. My brain wanted to take the negative route. But I had access to the good route. My heart told me to take it.

That’s what choosing pure intentions feels like. You can see both paths. And you choose.

It’s wild though, because it’s hard enough to choose the right path, but even harder to even identify that there are two paths in the first place.

I’ve been actively creating new memories too. There was a moment this Fall in the car with a friend where we appreciated the gradient fall leaves - something my ex would have had no comment on. Knowing someone shared that thought made me feel less lonely. Another night I rage-danced in the mirror for 30 minutes, peak confidence, just being myself. That moment made me realize: I can just choose. I can choose to be confident, to be happy, to do the right thing for the right reasons.

Now when I think about what life could have been, I think about moments like that. Moments where I was like, “I’m still here. I’m me. I’m good.”

I’m only a few months out from everything falling apart. It’s not perfect. But when I think about where I was three months ago, I’m so much further along. A year and a half ago, I started tracking my nutrition and losing weight. Three years ago, I started a business - another long game play. Now I’m building muscle, building my personality back with the scattered pieces (that never really left), building my work motivation. All of it takes time.

But here’s the difference now: I get to do it with pure intentions. For the right reasons. Not for other people. For me.

I can’t put into words the loss I’ve felt. But having the impure ambition stripped away? That’s a relief. A gift. You could hide behind “go-getter” energy your whole life, crushing it to prove somebody wrong, and people might think you’re successful while having no idea you’re insecure or doing it for the wrong reasons. You could hide behind that for decades.

I get to do things for the right reasons now. It makes my soul happy. I feel more at peace. It’s easier to connect with people because I’m not overthinking things.

Usually motivation - for me at least - comes from reacting to something external: spite, comparison, proving people wrong. But I’m learning to seek internally instead. To find motivation that comes from who I want to be, not what happened to me. This deep intrinsic motivation is something I’d never felt before. And it’s making life easier.

I want to work to provide for my family and help people. I want to parent to raise my daughter right. I want to exercise to feel good. I want to date, eventually, because I genuinely believe in love and marriage. I want depth and connection.

I don’t want to be proud of what I’m doing. I want to be proud of how I’m doing it.

When you strip everything else away - the spite, the comparison, the pressure - you get to just be. With pure intentions. Deep intrinsic motivation. No contamination.

Just you, doing things for the right reasons. Finally.